I've known for a while that what I need is rest and play. I've named that to myself and others for many months. What I am now beginning to see is that the first steps are into rest and that this must take place before the play can really begin. 'Rest' as I called it is at its core an initiation, a sacred disintegration. It is a rite of passage from what Richard Rohr might describe as first phase of life to second phase of life. A transition if you will from an ego driven process of individuation to a transcended sense of self, that some call an ecological self or the sacred feminine. In her book 'The Dance of the Dissident Daughter', Sue Monk Kidd describes her experience as a shift away from patriarchy to a rebirthing of the feminine Divine. "making this transition ... can be beautiful and deeply moving, even cataclysmic in its effect on our lives. But it also means a time of ordeal, descent, darkness and pain." (p.88.)
This is not an anti-male agenda nor a proto-feminist agenda and by this I mean the usurping of patriarchy for matriarchy. I'm not describing a transference of power-over from one gender to another. It is about rebalancing energies and returning the goddess to a place of visibility, recognition and equanimity. For each woman it requires a rediscovery of her own womanhood. And this is where the initiation plays a part. For the new to emerge the old must disassemble, disintegrate and die. This can be lonely, painful and isolating stuff. And yet in the letting go and surrendering process, in approaching the abyss, it is possible for the creative energies of the new to spring forth.
Sue Monk Kidd describes it as such;
"When a woman starts to disentangle herself from patriarchy, ultimately she is abandoned to her own self. She comes to an unknown place where she must let the old way of being a woman die and the new way come forth. During initiation the new feminine potential - that rambunctious girl-child that was conceived and birthed inside during her awakening and who really has been there all along - starts to grow and develop into the woman she will be." (p.88-89)
The rambunctious girl-child wants to play, to have fun, to be creative, to explore, question and discover new frontiers of being and meaning. Before the play begins comes the solitude of descent. This is where I find myself. It cannot be avoided or gotten round or bridged over. The darkness maybe uncomfortable, painful and yet it is not to be feared for it is a necessary part of the initiation, "first before the reshaping, the re-creation, there is the blank, stunned space of feeling stripped and peeled. We are not who we used to be and not who we will become. We are in the terrain of 'unmeaning'. And we are alone in it." (p.95)
"Feeling stripped and peeled" reminds me of an image I saw this week at an exhibition titled 'Art, Ecology and Economy' at the Centre for Contemporary Art and the Natural World (http://www.ccanw.co.uk). You could see the fingers of a human hand slightly pinked from the process of stripping the fur off a dead grey squirrel. The translucent sinewed body of the squirrel has its back on display. I could feel the vulnerability. More than that at times I was left wondering if the squirrel was still warm with life, although my rational mind knew this not to be the case. The line between life and death seemed immediate and thin. For me this skinless squirrel was a provocative image - I could sense the power exerted by the human hand, the signs of that power were clearly there to see. Paradoxically there also appeared to be a tenderness in the clasp of the human hand around the body of the creature in such a way as to play tricks on my eyes and emotions; was this a tiny newborn or a dead skinned squirrel?
I've spoken to other women about the feelings of isolation and loneliness. Some say it is a necessary part of the journey and therefore accept it for what it is. Whilst others say although this is what you maybe feeling, know that others have gone before, others are having the same experience now and others will follow; in that you are not alone.
And so the initiation begins ...
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