Eve Ensler - Suddenly, my body

I love this woman for what she has to say, for the journey she is on and the way she shares it with us. I can feel her fierce burning passion for life and her warrior energy as she fights with all her might for what she cares passionately for - which is you and me, the fish and the trees, the earthworms and the whisper of the wind - the everything that is all connected in a beautiful flowing dance of life. The poet [Drew Dellinger] says this entire travelling cosmos is the secret one, slowly growing a body. And this is Eve Ensler feeling into her body, which by extension is the body we all share. The divine. And we can all touch this moment, the realisation that all suffering and harm can be transcended in an instance. Think love. Be love. Think one. Be one.

Take a moment ...

... and watch this. 



Peace and Love :)

Come and sit with me for a while ...

...  and we can glimpse the world from where I am. 
Or at least where I was at the beginning of 2009!

I am by your side. Feel whatever it is you want to feel and do whatever it is you want to do, it’s all ok. Is this education? Is it sustainability? Is it even education for sustainability? Who knows? I have no answers for you. If you need a buddy - I’m here for you. If you want someone to listen - I’m here for you.  If you want some company while you sit in silence - I’m here for you. If you want to build a fire, toast marshmallows, sing and dance, tell stories - I’m here for you. If you want sometime on your own, I can roll with that.  Are you feeling it yet? That’s me sharing with you a moment, a glimpse as to where I am. Now you’ve been there too you know where to find me, most of the time! Or at least this is where I was back in 2009. Now I am just as likely to be up in the gardens, down by the river or walking the path around the reservoir. Edges are more my place, back then I was deep in the woods.

To the question - What I’m exploring in the area of education for sustainability is; letting go of the old and welcoming the new?

Letting go of the Old – Developing my Mind

Education, Learning, Memorising, Theorising –  sitting in a chair day upon day listening to others, reading the works of others – that’s old, older, way older than me, it could even be older than the trees.  At its truest essence education is awesome. Education is life. Education can make a difference. At times education can provide spaces for transformation, liberation and hope. Education can be a pathway to other places. Why it is then I am writing about education in the category of the old, of the letting go? For me the modern, mainstream, institutionalised version of knowledge acquisition, of empiricism is dulled by its own myopia, is void of radical solutions and is becoming a one dimensional training camp for the masses.

What is to come of education when there is so much inequality, injustice, poverty, violence, destruction in the world?

What happens when I discover myself in an organisation and a system that is part of the damage and harm being done to others?

I struggle with these questions. I have tried lots of different ways of to effect change. I recognise that the larger community or structure I work within is a reflection of each individual. I thought the challenge was to change it one day, one person, one thought, deed and action at a time. Now I know that I can only change myself. Maybe most of my working day is spent doing things that seem to perpetuate what I have been trying to change. That does not have to define me or hold me back or trap me inside of the oppression. However, I feel it is important to fight back. It is essential to find opportunities for change in order to liberate and set us all free to live in a new community built on freedom, diversity, hope and love. My way of responding to these questions is to find new ways of communicating with people, new ways to learn and most of all new communities in which to redress the injustices that surround us in the hope that it will lead me along a path away from boredom and loneliness to a more enriched, compassionate and gentler life.

I don’t want to spend time deconstructing or critiquing the old – many have gone before me with far greater erudition and insight. If this is of interest to you go and seek out the thoughts of Marx, Naess, Tawney, Capra, Henderson, Klein and whoever else you can name, the list is endless. I have been there, it is helpful and yet for me it has limits. All of the authors I just mentioned appeal to the mind and feed the intellect. They keep me struck in my head and focused on where I do not want be. As the Dalai Lama will tell you, “Too much energy in your country is spent developing the mind.” Even those who have voyaged into possible alternatives have stayed within boundaries and frameworks that use concepts and languages of the mind. Naess writes of the need for a philosophy of feeling.  Tawney calls for a deeper moral reappraisal of our life and times. Fromm asks us to move from having to being. All of which is amazingly well argued, yet does any of this go deep enough; does it speak to or touch our hearts?

I can't get no sleep
deep in the night
and no rest in sight
let me dream again
find a release
some peace
from this insomnia
  I can't get no sleep
just before dawn
and I can feel the morn
before another day
give me a break
as a lay here again
for all I need is
you by my side
just enough time
to drift off for
a while
to sleep

I’m unsure how the words of those who critique the old help when in the middle of the night I can’t sleep because my heart is pounding fast at the thought of an impending future with no clear plans or direction. Or when I can’t catch my breath as the knowing of how my way of life is inherently harmful and exploitative of so many others. What do their words do for me when I feel the ache in my heart for the loss around me? Or, am I, as someone told me recently, being selfish for asking these questions?

Between the Old and the New – on the edge of my existence

I don’t want to focus on the half empty glass. I can see, feel, hear, touch, smell and taste the destruction, the decay, the harm, the suffering being felt by others everyday.  I am seeking the counter balance.  I need more space to lighten things up and to gain more freedom. This is feeling too heavy, restrictive and burdensome. Not sure if I’m doing the right thing. I enjoy meeting new people, learning new ways of knowing and of being at Schumacher College. There are aspects of these new experiences that are intriguing, but I’m not in the forest enough or exploring the edges as much as I would like – just yet. There are still times when I feel like a caged animal being prodded and goaded. Or that I'm invisible and words come tumbling out of my mouth unheard or misunderstood. I feel what I need is more free-form than this. At times I feel I want to be left to be, to wander.  

Where is the New? How do I developing my Heart, expand my compassion and feel in such ways that my behaviour and actions evolve and change so as to create a more peaceful, harmonious, loving, caring, sustainable, just, playful and fun presence on this planet?

At home I stand one foot in the old and one foot in the new. I’m on a precipice dealing with my fears, which are having a party in my head and in my body. My trueself is watching my fears sing from the hilltops, charging through the lanes and essentially pressing all my anxiety buttons in the only way they know how. What does this all mean? Well it means sometimes it’s hard to breathe or to focus and concentrate on the simplest of tasks. It means that I get lost in conversations and exhausted by my own thoughts super fast. It means that I’m trying to keep it real in the best way I can so as to hang onto the railings of my life. And the words process, process, process come up time and time again. It’s like I’ve swallowed something huge and it now needs to be digested, digested, digested !!! I feel like I don't need to take anything new on board for a long time; no ideas, no people, no places, no sounds, no nothing. It's about emptying out not filling up.

I feel this physical need to get out of my own way, to stop the chattering of my ego and to actively and deeply listen and observe all that’s going on around me. In 2009 I was finding it hard to do that with the incessant demands of work. In my confused state I recognised it was time to step away from the University and sit awhile and listen until the next action found me. I’ve had enough searching, striving, looking, acting, speaking and writing - now I feel it's time to be.

I’m not looking backwards to the old. It’s time to honour the point of no return. You know that moment just before the champagne cork pops, or the feeling just as you take your foot off the ledge to bungee jump, or just when the string from a bow is released but the arrow has yet to move ... Well this is it ...  the moment all the forces of nature are pushing in one direction, the point of no return has been crossed and there is a nano-second of time when I realise I cannot go back and the future has yet to begin - that moment of NOW is so real, it's like the everything that is and ever was or will be. Life is 3-D, 4-D, 5-D ... infinite - D, all my senses are working to the max, AND YET in those moment of extreme awareness, of presence there is a knowing, a feeling of calm inevitability, of impending  futureness.

It's scary, intense, overwhelming IN YOUR FACE no ducking, no diving, no hiding and from this I am drawn to the possibility, the newness, the excitement of it all. WOW - this is happening to me, to the people I love, to acquaintances, to people I meet on the street and just get talking to. I am witness to these moments occurring around me and to me. There is a palpable shift going on, no judgement, no good or bad, just change. As the saying goes, it's a stepping off point onto the field of play, have your game head on people, get ready for the B of the Bang, for the lights to go Green, it's all going on. You better be a player or you'll get played! Hang onto your HATS, coz here I go ... whoosh!

Welcoming the New – Developing my Heart

The past is done. I want to spend more time in the forest and at the edges and maybe there I’ll become acquainted with the new. Right at this minute I don’t want to talk about it, analyse it, draw pictures of it, or write poetry about it. I simply want to spend time in this place and let what needs to happen to unfold. I don’t have a story to tell you. I’m doing my level best to get out of my head, to stop focusing on my thoughts and constantly feeding my mind. I’m not interested in reading. I don’t know what I’m going to do, how long I’ll stay or what will happen when I leave. I don’t have any answers for you. I’m not even sure what questions I have to answer.

I’m trying to learn how to trust my feelings and communicate this to myself and others. I’m trying to listen to and understand my heart and the hearts of others. This is my heart time. The development of my heart is where I am at. And I’m taking small, faltering, scary, wobbly steps each and everyday.  

To the present moment 'for now'!

As the sun set this evening I found myself walking the circumference of a local reservoir. The air was still except for the occasional flapping of birds wings and the gentle lapping of small waves as they reached the waters edge. Being cocooned in this human-made valley felt like being held in a giants hand. The trees grew long silhouettes as the shadows darkened and the last of the light glinted brightly on top of the water. Long after the sun dipped below the horizon the beautiful full moon arced over the tops of the hills behind me. As I turned to get my first awesome glimpse I had to stop for a while to take in the sheer scale and magnificence of this lunar sight. Words and photographs can't begin to do justice to what my eyes can see and my heart can feel as I gaze up at this moonlit sky. Small traces of cloud obscure the full effect as the moon visibly moves up into the night. I amble back to my car and start across the country lanes back home. On top of the moor to my left the moon has risen clear of the cloud cover and glows for all to see for miles around. I feel like I have been visited by some extraterrestrial being and been reminded of my connectedness to all things, of my smallness in this vast universe that stretches way beyond my imagination on this tiny bluegreen planet I lovingly call home.

Before arriving back at my house I stop off at the Happiness Centre to journey to the beat of a drum. On my astral travels I see my higher self walking down a path whilst I am being distracted by mischievous playful energies deviating me from where I am supposed to be travelling. I wonder why this is happening and I am given the message that I need to be more grounded. I want to know why it is I don't feel seen or heard. And the answer comes back that I need to be more objective and rationale in talking to people so they can understand and hear what it is I am trying to say. My emotional reactions to events get in the way of communicating my thougths and feelings to others. All of which is very helpful and interesting. As I enter 2012 and reflect back on my heart path I am realising I still have many lessons to learn. More recently I have found myself getting emotionally triggered and distanced from important people in my life because I am unable to communicate to them my needs in such a way as to be understood and seen. Feeling disconnected and invisible only serves to further trigger emotions of isolation and a very unhelpful cycle of negativity ensues. Tonight's messages have been a much needed insight into ways of reperceiving what is happening and discovering new responses to old patterns of behaviour. 

Is life a series of small seeminly faltering steps? And is admitting how scared I am going to diminish my emotional reaction and help me feel understood and thereby closer to those around me. I have no idea. But at least I now have an new avenue to explore on this fabulous journey called life. And when the people stuff gets all too much, all I need do is step back into nature to feel reconnected again.

Trees and Words

Today is the day I take down my Christmas tree. She has been standing beautifully in the corner of the lounge for the last 3 weeks ... glowing proudly ... shouting out in her own way about the excitement of the festivities. And still today she looks as amazing as she did on the first day. Somehow it feels wrong to stop this display of beauty. And yet the tradition says on the twelfth day the Christmas decorations should come down ... hum.  Not sure I want to follow tradition this year. I do want to express my utmost gratitude to this most magical of trees. It has been a blessing to share this home for a few short weeks.

Today besides gratitude, I have two words ringing in my ears ... patience ... and perseverance.

Patience is a quality that can be a challenge to practice, especially in these modern digital times when everything can feel so immediate. To wait is an eternity. Even the thought of waiting can feel unacceptable. No matter how fast our lives become or how immediate there is still a place for patience. Maybe that is what the slow movement is about, bringing us back to an appreciation of life by providing moments of slowness, stillness, gaps in time in which to notice, feel, breathe, connect with ourselves and our surroundings. In this sense patience is not waiting, it is being. Some say music is not the sounds of the notes from the playing of instruments, it is the spaces of silence between the sounds. Could life be the same way? Could life be the spaces between the experiences? Now I can appreciate the gift of patience.

Perseverance is a quality somewhat like patience. It has this added dimension of pushing on through. When the challenge feels overwhelming, impossible to conceive do we let go and surrender our dreams? There is always a time of letting go, night follows day, for the moon to rise the sun has to set. However, movement and change do not ask of us to give up our deepest love. When on a quest our adventures will take us into places of unimaginable darkness, we will be tested, taken to our limits and then some more. In these moments it is not so much about turning back, dropping the ball or surrendering our dreams. It maybe that we have to discover a new perspective, or dig deep to find the jewel in the mud or uncover the learning. That is perseverance. The willingness not to turn away from love and be overtaken by fear, hate, mistrust, anger or disappointment.

All of this is much easier to write than it is to practice. I notice myself everyday questioning, doubting myself and others, looking for the downfall rather than seeing the opportunity. I am human, not perfect, ever learning, ever growing.

Find your heart, open your heart

open heart

 open heart

breathe in light

share smiles

breathe in light

share hugs

trust life

trust somemore

it'll be ok

open heart

open heart

breathe in sunshine

share love

breathe in life

share happiness

be yourself

simply be

all is well

open heart

open heart

know the flow

share the dance

know the flow

experience the diversity

co-create

co-relate

all is one

 "The greatest wisdom is in simplicity. Love, respect, tolerance, sharing, gratitude, forgiveness. It's not complex or elaborate. The real knowledge is free. It's encoded in your DNA. All you need is within you. Great teachers have said that from the beginning. Find your heart, and you will find your way." Carlos Barrios

Magnificent Otters in the Amazon

This video from the BBC (UK) shows the most spectacular images of otters in the Amazon. A once endangered species otters are now being protected to enable there numbers to grow. The family of otters swim in the waters and catch fish to eat. The younger otter looks on earnestly in the hope that some food will pass their way. Seeing otters in their natural habitat going about their normal life is very special. They have their own language and their own unique stories.Earlier today I was reading the words of Martin Shaw, a master story carrier and mythologist. He reminds us everything in the natural world carries the lines of story. All we need do is listen deeply and observe intently.

"The patterning of crows over a winter field is an oracular thought of the mud, sky, and bird; the elegant procession of the reindeer across a spring meadow is part of some epic train of imagination that has been running for tens of thousands of years. The swift dive of the killer whale is a new vision from an ancient sea. Thought is not just contained in language, not even for us humans. But it is all story. The animals are myth-tellers in the way that they are. The hundred ways the otter gleefully crosses a stream is the same way the tellers splash their routes through a story: the same destination but differing currents, details, and varying intensities of stroke. These images are more than just metaphors for our own condition but, entered respectfully, offer a glimpse of the great, muscled thoughts of the living world. It is always thinking."

For those interested in taking a dive into story and myth check out Martin's blog