Angggeerrrrrr !!!

I came across some words I wrote a few years ago, and it struck a chord as I have been going through a similar state of emotions of late. I am reminded of the cycles that my life and emotions go through. I am reminded that in the similarity of the events my emotions and struggles have a pattern to them. The story feels very similar ... and yet buried within there is a difference also.

Here's how it starts ..."This last week has been another roller-coaster ride. Once again I have been experiencing the ups and downs that life offers, yet each time it is somehow the same and somehow different. I have an opportunity as Satish might say to consider what is triggering my emotional reaction to events happening around me.

When my head feels like it is stuck in a vice that is being gradually tightened and my heart feels heavy with the doors closing shut and all around I sense my withdrawal I know that my emotional trigger is going off and my futile attempt at damage limitation is only serving to manifest my worst fears. Rather than protecting myself and others from my anger and frustration I am instead acting in a way that is not only harmful it disconnects me from those I love.

Instead of having the courage to reveal my vulnerability I withdraw or push people away, thus creating that which I fear - disconnection. Why can't I slow down and listen to what I am feeling in an open and inclusive way and try to seek greater harmony and connectedness? Why am I so afraid of looking foolish, of being judged, of being perceived as being selfish for wanting something different to that which is happening? As I write this it feels like I am being arrogant, like my ego is calling the shots. It's this ego-driven part of me that I dislike in myself and that I project onto others.

Aarrggggghhh !!! I can't deny there are times when conversations become intellectual gymnastics and I feel this monster rise up in me, it's if I am a tiger trapped in a corner by someone cracking a whip. I feel this anger welling up and in the most ridiculous self undermining way I want to come out on top fighting.

Living with uncertainty, stepping towards the unknown and looking into the centre of the abyss and not running or turning away, not judging or separating myself is so hard to do. Holding my hand up to others and admitting I am scared is nearly impossible. 

Scared to tell someone I love them for fear they use it against me, take advantage or ridicule me. 

Scared to tell someone I'm scare for fear they use it to destroy me. 

Scared to show my vulnerabilities because I don't want to face up to the parts of myself that can be harmful or negative to others. 

Scared to be rejected, ignored, unseen."

I have come along way since writing these words. Yes I still get triggered and overwhelmed by life and my emotions. Yes I do get scared, sometimes frustratingly so. Yes my pride can get the better of me. And yet the story is not entirely the same. I recognise the dark clouds more and more. I can accept they are as much a part of life as the rainy days, stormy nights or the sunshine. Life is a complex kaleidoscope not a two dimensional checker board. Not only that the dark clouds foretell a bright new dawn is approaching. That I have lessons to be learnt. It is quite exciting to know that life is an eternal unfolding. A state of constant coming into being, wanting to know itself more and more, with surprises to be received, and jewels to be discovered. Now when the quiver of uncertainty sails close by I still feel the passion and fight in me rise. If I'm truly honest even moments of resistance rear up inside. And yet from within I can also sense my engagement and tussle with the challenge. I  can also feel the exhilaration of transformation and change loom up far over the horizon.

What is to come this time? I do not know. Something will shift in me, around me, through me soon enough. Patience is the watchword in these times. No amount of haste, willingness or enticement on my part will bring the breakthrough any soon than it is due.

All I can say is watch this space. And in the meantime, please forgive my probably intolerable presence.

what would you like to do if money was no object?

Now there is a question that really, doesn't get asked honestly or genuinely very often. I am wondering how many times I have asked myself this question. There is another question I have asked myself quiet often, which is; why am I doing this stupid and seemingly pointless activity that is giving me little to no joy? And on those occasions, when I can, I pluck up the most courage and do my level best to stop doing those stupid, meaningless and vacuous activities. From this I have been given some idea of what it is I do not like to do.

For example,  I do NOT like to:

• Live someone elses dream.
• Pretend that what I am doing is making a difference when it is not.
• Sit in a room all day listening and talking endlessly stuck in my head.
• Be under the oppression of someone else.
• See prejudice and exploitation going uncontested.
• Be part of unwitnessed suffering.
• Be part of a system that is doing harm to others.
• Be unconscious of my actions.
• Be working for money alone or working without being valued.
• Be bored for too long.
• Be unable to express myself or be creative.
• Be in predicatable, mundane and routinised situations.

 ... this list could go on.

And yet, if I asked myself, what would I like to do if money was no object? I worryingly struggle to connect to any deep heartfelt response. It's like there is part of me that simply does not compute what this amounts to in actuality. I believe I have experienced a sense of doing something where money was no object? I can remember times when I have enjoyed doing something where money was no object. Such as,  playing sports, taking a picnic on a warm sunny day, strolling along the beach, watching a sunset, walking in the woods, swimming in the river, volunteering, planting trees, walking with my dog, hanging out with fun people, writing ... essentially playing with no fixed outcome ... during these moments I have felt what I might describe as freedom, a lifting of the cage.

My struggle is to know who I am.

A simple question. Very straightforward really. I am realising more and more that for me it is not so simple to answer. I sense the parameters that I use to answer this question has been set outside of myself. So instead of listening to my own inner voice I compare myself to others, listen to others, allow my expectations to be set by others. All of which prevents me from knowing who I am and what I would like to do if money were no object. Where do I start to find an answer? This is where Alan Watts comes back into the picture. The philosopther, teacher, Buddhist who has asked this question of many has some wise words to share.

Take a listen.

that was no small snake

Yesterday I was taking a walk through the Lost Gardens of Heligan. At the lower end of the Jungle area a path called the Georgian Ride takes you through some beautiful woodland blanketed in wild garlic and bluebells. At the furthest point south a charcoal sculpture by James Eddy can be found.

As you can see I was drawn to take a closer look at this fine work of art. Depending on the angle the sculpture took on different appearances. From one viewpoint it looked like a witches hat. From another perspective it looked like a mountain top. And then from another outlook it took on the shape of a helter skelter.

While walking around the back of this giant edifice I stepped off the trail into the brambles and nettles to respond to the call of nature. Three steps into the undergrowth and the ground started unravelling and moving before my eyes. In the blink of an eye I focused onto the movement and realised it wasn't the ground moving, it was a snake! Over the years I've seen a few small snakes slide across my path. On these previous occasions no alarm was triggered by such experiences, that is until today. For this snake that unfurled itself in front of my foot was huge. A scream of realisation and a sharp turn of foot and I was out of the long grass back onto the path gasping for breath. The last thing I expected to encounter down in the depths of Cornwall was a massive grass snake.

On returning home recounting my story I learnt that when a snake appears in your life it is quite auspicious. It is for some the foreteller of transformation, rebirth and change. Bring it on I say. After the last couple of weeks I am up for some life shifts. Watch this space ...

If you are wondering what a grass snake looks like, check out the picture below.

to be in the flow or not in the flow

Flow has often been the word of the moment. especially in the first quarter of this year. Do I even know what it is? It seems to me Flow is to be experienced, lived in, moved by. The rain is falling, being caught by the leaves of the tree outside my window and slowly dripping down to the ground to flow further still into the ground below to continue on its inextricable journey back to rain again. Water is flow. Without water flowing there would be nothing. I dream of being in the flow where the ego sense of me disappears, time disolves and I flow along in the energetic field of life. Wow flow is awesome. That's where I want to be. Simple.

I'm lost, feeling disconnected from someone, from myself. It's because I am resisting the questions I want to ask, the actions I want to take, the place I want to be. I am resisting because that is what I do. I want to live by my intuition, my instincts, my senses and yet my intellect gets in the way and filters what I do, edits what I say and diminishes my experience. I need to be more couragous and trust myself more. Really there is nothing to lose except my inhibitions, my fears, my shadow. All of which I would be better without.

and then came love

Out of the Occupy Movement came a message of hope, a spark of creativity and an invitation to LOVE. A great antidote to all the doom, gloom, heaviness, suffering, pain, despair that I and maybe you can sometimes feel. There are ways to transform our experiences and to find ways into relationships which are caring, nurturing, generative, healing and loving.

For an insight into this Movement check out the trailer for the film Occupy Love.

Deflated balloon

Ever have one of those weeks :(

when nothing seems to flow?

the scales of justice tip the wrong way

and you feel like Sysiphus pushing a

large rock up an unfeasibly steep hill

if you were a party balloon

all your air would escape

you know

that deflated feeling !!

well that's the kind of week I am having

no pity-me party here

just a sense of ennui

stuck like an elephant in an alley

no place to go

like all uncomfortable

unwanted experiences

it will pass

ssssooooooooooooonn I hope :)

I don't want to be the energy vampire

sucking the life out of the room

overwhelmed by gloom

like grey clouds looming on the horizon

rain pending

no way not today or tomorrow

or the day after that!

I want to be able to pat myself on the back

say 'job well done'

you are the one who came through

yes you - thank YOU

let's get out the balloons

and have a party,

make some noise,

pop a few corks

and celebrate

now that's the kind of turn around

that I can support

I want to report my dreams have come true

that I've had a red letter day

and that between me and you

Life is GOOD

if only I could, 

I would be the happiest person I know

so what am I waiting for,

let's go ...

from one of those balloon deflating weeks

into a dream creating week.

Garbage Warrior - Michael Reynolds

For all you tech-heads out there you maybe interested in the work of Michael Reynolds, aka the Garbage Warrior. Michael is a trained and practising architect in the US. He has developed carbon zero low impact houses that have a gentle eco-footprint on the planet. As he says, 'the technology is already here'. What is getting in the way is the will to use it. The emerging new housing is springing up all over the place. Know as earthships, they are off-grid responses to a peak oil world. Earthships are built using waste materials, including tires, wines bottles, tin cans and plastic bottles.

There are many ways to checkout further information. For example, you might like to watch the documentary Garbage Warrior, you could click on the youtube video below or google Micheal Reynolds - The Garbage Warrior. It's controversial and yet worth consideration.