My anxiety has reared its dragon like head again. Tendrils of smoke ascending upwards from its nostrils in satisfaction. This sends off shards of negative thoughts and feelings. Shame for succumbing to defeat. The inability to overcome this seeming innocuous obstacle. The sense of belittlement grows with a very unpalatable story of weakness whizzing around my head. Eye contact becomes painful. Nervous laughter when admitting how I am dodging my responsibilities and what to some appears like an amazing opportunity. All of which is a huge knock to my self esteem and confidence. A perfect storm of crushing negativity. I don't like myself or life that much on days like this.
What to do?
I used to employ the classic British response of the stiff upper lip. That is to say, tough it out. A little like holding your breath under water. In order to do that, at its most extreme, it require a disassociation from what is happening, resulting in a disconnection from the emotions swelling up inside. I would sometimes do my best to hide and avoid horror inducing experiences.
Feeling safe and being safe is ok
Finding effective and healthy ways to do this is not so obvious, at least for me it isn't. Admitting to being overwhelmed seems to only serve to exacerbate the problem. Now I am wanting to find more consistent and effective ways to take care of myself during periods of anxiety. Maybe even to anticipate and alleviate the full extent of what this malaise can drag in its wake.
I feel like a small child again taking baby steps in learning how to be kind to myself, to acquire the self knowledge of how to be ok in the big bad world out there. There must be some advantages to being sensitive. Heavens knows, right now, I would like to know what they are. I don't want to live through life teflon coated or numbed out by allopathic medicines. Nor do I want to be debilitated by the upscale and complex impacts of modern living.
