The initiation: to the abyss, to silence ... and alone!

I've known for a while that what I need is rest and play. I've named that to myself and others for many months. What I am now beginning to see is that the first steps are into rest and that this must take place before the play can really begin. 'Rest' as I called it is at its core an initiation, a sacred disintegration. It is a rite of passage from what Richard Rohr might describe as first phase of life to second phase of life. A transition if you will from an ego driven process of individuation to a transcended sense of self, that some call an ecological self or the sacred feminine. In her book 'The Dance of the Dissident Daughter', Sue Monk Kidd describes her experience as a shift away from patriarchy to a rebirthing of the feminine Divine. "making this transition ... can be beautiful and deeply moving, even cataclysmic in its effect on our lives. But it also means a time of ordeal, descent, darkness and pain." (p.88.)

This is not an anti-male agenda nor a proto-feminist agenda and by this I mean the usurping of patriarchy for matriarchy. I'm not describing a transference of power-over from one gender to another. It is about rebalancing energies and returning the goddess to a place of visibility, recognition and equanimity. For each woman it requires a rediscovery of her own womanhood. And this is where the initiation plays a part. For the new to emerge the old must disassemble, disintegrate and die. This can be lonely, painful and isolating stuff. And yet in the letting go and surrendering process, in approaching the abyss, it is possible for the creative energies of the new to spring forth.

Sue Monk Kidd describes it as such;

"When a woman starts to disentangle herself from patriarchy, ultimately she is abandoned to her own self. She comes to an unknown place where she must let the old way of being a woman die and the new way come forth. During initiation the new feminine potential - that rambunctious girl-child that was conceived and birthed inside during her awakening and who really has been there all along - starts to grow and develop into the woman she will be." (p.88-89)

The rambunctious girl-child wants to play, to have fun, to be creative, to explore, question and discover new frontiers of being and meaning. Before the play begins comes the solitude of descent. This is where I find myself. It cannot be avoided or gotten round or bridged over. The darkness maybe uncomfortable, painful and yet it is not to be feared for it is a necessary part of the initiation, "first before the reshaping, the re-creation, there is the blank, stunned space of feeling stripped and peeled. We are not who we used to be and not who we will become. We are in the terrain of 'unmeaning'. And we are alone in it." (p.95)

"Feeling stripped and peeled" reminds me of an image I saw this week at an exhibition titled 'Art, Ecology and Economy' at the Centre for Contemporary Art and the Natural World (http://www.ccanw.co.uk). You could see the fingers of a human hand slightly pinked from the process of stripping the fur off a dead grey squirrel. The translucent sinewed body of the squirrel has its back on display. I could feel the vulnerability. More than that at times I was left wondering if the squirrel was still warm with life, although my rational mind knew this not to be the case. The line between life and death seemed immediate and thin. For me this skinless squirrel was a provocative image - I could sense the power exerted by the human hand, the signs of that power were clearly there to see. Paradoxically there also appeared to be a tenderness in the clasp of the human hand around the body of the creature in such a way as to play tricks on my eyes and emotions; was this a tiny newborn or a dead skinned squirrel?

I've spoken to other women about the feelings of isolation and loneliness. Some say it is a necessary part of the journey and therefore accept it for what it is. Whilst others say although this is what you maybe feeling, know that others have gone before, others are having the same experience now and others will follow; in that you are not alone.

And so the initiation begins ...

When will I learn? Please let it be soon

If anyone wants to know how to make a bad situation worse, come to me, I am an expert, a grand master. If making bad situations worse was an Olympic event I would win gold. I can make bad situations worse without any seeming effort at all. It's like a nightmare of a gift. I keep seeing linear hierarchical systems wrecking injustice and judgement on the world. Power over, power over is scary to me. It makes me go ouch and I react with judgement, in defense and basically create a giant mess. What I see is people looking down on me, thinking they are better than me, being ambivalent and detached from me. I'm slowly beginning to sense what I'm seeing is not always what is there and that I should slow down and check out with those around me what is really going on. As the saying goes, be careful what you wish for it may come true! In naming what I feel or think I see it serves to create the reaction I'm fearing or wanting to avoid. I don't seem to be able to find a way out of this dark and dreadful place. All I seem to find is further isolation, delusion and suffering. This is awful. I don't know how to transform this into something constructive, restorative and loving. I'm lost and the trail of destruction I'm creating continues to grow. And yet I know I'm trying my best to change this.

In the darkness friends are like golden warming beacons of guidance and reassurance reminding me that I am not a toxic person. Yes I messed up and I have to take responsibility for that. The lessons are many and on going. When the ouch moment is triggered watch it and don't react. Watch it some more and see that it is not my authentic self. It is the revisiting of a painful experience from the past presenting an opportunity to transform the pain and see it with new eyes. In that moment choices are available. Come from a place of abundance. Find out what's on offer. Respond with a loving voice.

Ok it doesn't exactly undo what happened today, but it least it gives me hope that next time this situation occurs I may handle it differently and for that I am hugely grateful. And for the pain I triggered in others I am truly sorry.

Anam Cara - Soul Friend

This evening while surfing around the t'interwebs I came across a programme called Sue Johnston's Shangri La, originally broadcast by the BBC on Monday 15th February 2010. In it she say's, "I think what I've never really found in my life is a sense of calm, of being able to just be myself ... I don't think I've ever found tranquility in my life. I think that's really rather what I'm looking for." It stuck me that in modern society with its consumerist ways, its aspirations of material betterment, life can be a running away from and a distraction from the really essentially life affirming aspects of being. I wonder how many other people feel the same as Sue, or who never even imagine, seek or know what being your true self can be.

I was reminded of some words by Parker Palmer talking about the importance of the Soul.



Parker Palmer says, "That we call it something matters alot." And yet no one has the true name. Shakespeare writes in Romeo and Juliet; "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." Juliet is telling Romeo it is he who she loves not his name. The suggestion here is labels and names are an artificial and meaningless convention, and that love is shared between living beings and not the name of a person or life form or genus.

Whilst I recognise the contribution labels, facts and figures play in the identification, measurement and communication of information let's not be fooled into thinking that it represents the real deal or that it can fully represent the wholeness of our emotional lives or the experience of our souls, or love. Poets are magicians in finding ways to express our souls desires and yet they too will bow to the mystery and source. Ultimately life is beyond words and it is in the silence that our true selves, our souls can be found. For those like Sue Johnston in search, may you find your true selves and in that discovery feel you have arrived home. And for those who have found their true selves may you treasure this gift and share this with others. As for what you call it ... that's up to you.

Medicine Buddha Mantra

If anyone is having a week like I'm having you may appreciate the Medicine Buddha mantra. Hearing the mantra or even the name of the Medicine Buddha - Sangye Menla - is beneficial. When we become aware of a need for self-healing or the healing for others or our beautiful planet it can be a challenging place to be. Feeling or witnessing the pain, hurt and suffering is not easy, however, there is a positive step you can take. By listening to the Medicine Buddha mantra allow your heart to open to the possibility of healing. There is hope and love to be found even at times of greatest despair, pain and suffering. In the gentleness of the mantra let our hearts be rejoined.



For those who like to see the words to the mantra you may prefer this version.



In both versions the Medicine Buddha chant is by Khenpo Pema Chopel Rinpoche. Many blessings to you and may you find peace in your heart.

There is no such thing as free

I'm in Waterstones this afternoon feeding my book buying addiction. Yes I should be at my CSBBA - Can't Stop Buying Books Anonymous! - meeting right now, instead I'm tapping away on my laptop. I was doing pretty well if I say so myself, having perused many titles I'd whittled it down to three essential books. On my way to the checkout I manage to put two back on the shelves - yeah me. The one book I did buy was going into a bag when the checkout women asks me, 'Would you like some wrapping paper?' I look down the line where she is pointing and see this wrapping paper with giant big pink and red hearts printed on it. 'No thank you' I reply. She then gives me this huge smile and say's, 'It's free, help yourself.' I return the smile and say, 'No, it's ok I don't need it'. Which is totally true, I don't. Me and the valentine bunny are not doing a happy dance this weekend. There's no heart shaped anything flowing to or from my door if you know what I mean. The Waterstones sales assistant now has this huge confused quizzical look on her face and blurts out, 'But it's free!' I'm starting to feel a little strange because possibly I'm not conforming to some kind of social norm here? I'm thinking to myself, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS FREE.

When are we (am I) going to start consuming what we (I) need instead of what we (I) can have or what we (I) feel we (I) want? Ok, I can see the giant hypocritical elephant in the room, my book addiction, I'm working on that, honestly I am and I promise to share my books. I'm ok with giving things to people, it's called a gift, I like gifts as much as the next person, but using free stuff as a marketing or sales ploy - hum, I'm not so comfortable with that. I'm even less comfortable with the feeling that I maybe some kind of freak if I don't accept an offer simply because it's free. I'm not sure where I'm going with this. I'm not wishing to be judgemental and I know I am being, the finger is pointing at me too.

It's simply that for me there is no such thing as free, especially when it comes to consuming material goods. The earth is giving up trees, water, minerals, carbon etc; people who make and transport the wrapping paper are giving there time, experience, creativity and skills and the shop assistant is finally inviting me to take it away. At the end of the wrapping papers life it will be thrown away into a giant whole in the ground or back in the paper making loop.

DOES ANY OF THIS LOOK REMOTELY FREE TO YOU? Someone somewhere is paying - you, me, the everything that makes up our beautiful blue planet I like to lovingly call home - I'm not sure I like the price we all ultimately paying so that I can be in Waterstones this afternoon and offered wrapping paper for free.

Lessons from the Real People

"My people would never stand for being literally 'open-minded'. There is too much deception, too much hurt, too much bitterness to hide.
But for myself, could I personally forgive everybody whom I believed had wronged me? Could I forgive myself for all the hurts I had inflicted? Someday I hoped to be able to lay my mind on a table, like the Aborigines, and stand by as my motives were exposed and examined.
The Real People don't think the voice was designed for talking. You did that with your heart/head center. If the voice is used for speech, one tends to get into small, unnecessary, and less spiritual conversation. The voice is made for singing, for celebrating and for healing.
They told me everyone has multiple talents and everyone can sing. If I don't honour the gift because I thought I couldn't sing, that wouldn't diminish the singer within me.
...
I had to learn to forgive myself, not to judge, but to learn from the past. They showed me how vital it is to accept, be truthful, and love myself so I could do the same for others." (p.64)

Marlo Morgan (2004) Mutant Message Down Under, Harper, New York.

Today's a better day ...

I’ve left that place.
No idea where I’m going.
I guess I’ll know when I get there.
A space with no place.
I can’t escape the loneliness.
Not much makes sense.
I’m trying to change.
Try it for yourself.
See what I mean?
Not much makes sense.
Some days words are impossible.
I feel invisible. I am invisible.
I’m trying to get out of my own way.
Sometimes it is hysterically funny,
Until the anger takes over me.
I go do something because,
Action taken under stress relieves stress.
For a moment I’m floating.
I smile, let go and breathe.
Today’s a better day.