If anyone wants to know how to make a bad situation worse, come to me, I am an expert, a grand master. If making bad situations worse was an Olympic event I would win gold. I can make bad situations worse without any seeming effort at all. It's like a nightmare of a gift. I keep seeing linear hierarchical systems wrecking injustice and judgement on the world. Power over, power over is scary to me. It makes me go ouch and I react with judgement, in defense and basically create a giant mess. What I see is people looking down on me, thinking they are better than me, being ambivalent and detached from me. I'm slowly beginning to sense what I'm seeing is not always what is there and that I should slow down and check out with those around me what is really going on. As the saying goes, be careful what you wish for it may come true! In naming what I feel or think I see it serves to create the reaction I'm fearing or wanting to avoid. I don't seem to be able to find a way out of this dark and dreadful place. All I seem to find is further isolation, delusion and suffering. This is awful. I don't know how to transform this into something constructive, restorative and loving. I'm lost and the trail of destruction I'm creating continues to grow. And yet I know I'm trying my best to change this.
In the darkness friends are like golden warming beacons of guidance and reassurance reminding me that I am not a toxic person. Yes I messed up and I have to take responsibility for that. The lessons are many and on going. When the ouch moment is triggered watch it and don't react. Watch it some more and see that it is not my authentic self. It is the revisiting of a painful experience from the past presenting an opportunity to transform the pain and see it with new eyes. In that moment choices are available. Come from a place of abundance. Find out what's on offer. Respond with a loving voice.
Ok it doesn't exactly undo what happened today, but it least it gives me hope that next time this situation occurs I may handle it differently and for that I am hugely grateful. And for the pain I triggered in others I am truly sorry.
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