Becoming a parent later in life has many blessings. Little people carry an emotional directness, warmth and joy that is unsurpassed. To be in their orbit brings much to be inspired by and grateful for and yet, I have encountered some very unexpected consequences. Here is the rub, bringing up a child in our modern disconnected fragmented world is isolating and lonely. Should I have seen this coming - possibly, however, living into the experience has been more shocking and disheartening than I imagined.
Being an introvert I am ok with alone time. In fact for me it is essential. The mothering experience of aloneness has a different quality. It is represented in the restrictions integrating childcare with other social and work activities. I feel I have compartmentalised life activities to such an extent that it has become very difficult to cross over or blend them.
Young children need attention. Their interests are relatively simple and often repetitive. For someone like myself who needs creativity and spontaneity this is not impossible to fulfil with a little person onboard. I have found it is more of a challenge to bring others into this scenario. Other adult company can be sparse. Sometimes it is much easier to stay at home in familiar surroundings. This compromise comes at a price.
Mostly it is restricting in terms of what opportunities are available. I can hear people saying, 'but surely this is your own framing of the circumstances?' I am less convinced. Cafes and restaurants are too often unequipped for small children with short concentration spans. The British weather when at its best is perfect for outdoor play and roaming, especially for someone like myself who has chosen to live in a rural environment. On the not so clement days, which there are plenty, the restrictions can kick in. Where to go on the driving cold rainy days when there is low provision for family fun at affordable prices? This mission is like questing for the end of the rainbow.
I sometimes wonder what parenting must be like in more traditional societies. Is it any more equitable? I often ask people who have more experience or knowledge of traditional peoples how they parent. I am told that older children care for younger children. The village brings up the young. It is not solely the domain of the immediate parents. The role of elders, aunts, uncles, family friends and older children are much greater and more present. Whereas in our more segregated distant modern communities this ever wider support system rarely exists.
I am now being given an insight into how many many other people, mostly women, thrust into the unpaid, undervalued, invisible position of caring must feel. It is not that I do not want to be a care-giver. What's in question is the impact this has because of the restrictions, invisibility and generally lack of economic recognition that comes with this vital social contribution. I appreciate I am late to this realisation, nevertheless, I am here now and feeling the discomfort and inequity.
I have recently told my wife - no more. I am not prepared to live like this or feel like this. Something has to change and change pretty quick. How can parents care if they don't feel cared for in return? Reciprocity is an essential cycle that needs to be honoured and recognised.
I do not have any answers to this modern parenting predicament. That would be too hubristic, quick and knee-jerk a response. This issue is far to deeply rooted in our societal system to be addressed by a few tweaks here and there. Inequality in any form is unjust and unfair and runs deep. Instead I am wanting to voice how it feels and join the many others flagging up that this exists.
