Thanksgiving

To day is thanksgiving in the USA. This spurred a friend  to ask me what I am thankful for ... my immediate response was to think of loved ones and one grand love in particular who has come into my life and transformed it beyond recognition ... however, my friend invited me to be more imaginative and go further than that ... I ummed and ahhed for a few minutes as my mind whirled through a wave of blankness.

I was reminded once again how poor I am at showing gratitude and thankfulness. It's not that I am incapable of expressing words of appreciation. My issue goes deeper than that. It's more that I don't feel very grateful very often. If I don't feel thankful then I can't express it with any authenticity or generosity. I pondered why this is so ... and it did not make for pleasant thoughts or feelings. Was I blocked by my own hubris, arrogance and pride? Or is the cultural expectation of giving thanks sticking in my throat? When gratitude is expected it seems less genuine. To me, thanks that isn't real is meaningless.

Fast forward one hour and I am standing outside the front of the building I am working in and there is a beautiful leaf sculpture by the door, which is seemingly being made by eddies of wind circulating before me. The wind is constantly shifting the pattern of leaves into new and natural shapes. Watching the  movement of the leaves was like looking into the flames of a fire. There was something innate and primal in the dance of the leaves. A group of us observing this display chimed in words of magical appreciation and there was my thanksgiving for all to see, including me. Later in the day I came across this image of a cartoon character I really love and it summed up my experience for me. Maybe I am not so ungrateful after all. I simply need the immediacy of experience to connect into it.