Reality Check

Every so often the unexpected happens and the emotional trigger is pulled - ouch!!! That hurts. I don't like that feeling. It's disconcerting and once the defensive reactions have taken place and the dust has settled the reality check occurs and in truth the stuff that I need to face is not so much out there as in here. That is where I find myself today. Wondering what it is I need to do in response to an ouch moment.

I know I will die (in fact life is a series of many deaths, mainly to the ego), I just don’t know how and when. I could live the rest of my life with the sense of making the most of this experience available to me without fear of not knowing the outcome, because in reality the outcome is known. Yet I sense I live in a world where I have been socially conditioned to push the idea and thoughts of death to one-side, to deny its existence and to subconsciously fear death, or even to consciously fear death. Many of the activities and actions in my culture are designed to overcome, defeat, prevent, push back and look away from the inevitability of death – and I wonder why this is so? And would it not be more liberating and rewarding to place our attention on life and living, whilst holding lightly and reverently the ultimate mystery. Maybe others do that and this is more a reflection of my own thoughts and experiences.

And rather than look for the degeneration, labelling it a mistake or a failure, and attempting to 'fix it' maybe it would serve life and death more to seek out the regenerative qualities, the positive, life-enhancing and uplifting experience. Suffering will find me I don’t need to go looking for it. The ouch moment of last night is a reminder of that. And maybe I am conflating death and suffering! They need not be one and the same.

Happiness is my responsibility, a sensation I can nourish and nurture, not with the intention of creating its permanence but with the knowledge that it is where my heart seeks to reside.

Ironically I find myself in a situation where my happiness is contingent on doing something that makes me unhappy. Unless I can find a way to change my perspective on what make me unhappy ... how do I do this? Or is this dichotomy telling me something? I have no idea. Confusion reigns the day. For now all I can do is allow the river of life to flow and time to pass. As the famous Beatles song says, 'Let It Be'.

Dandelion Nirvana

I have heard it said that there is a day in the year, a special day, known as dandelion nirvana. A moment when all the dandelions have released their seeds and they are floating through space, hanging like a million jewels gliding through the air or sailing gently across the top of rivers, streams and lakes everywhere. It is a magical sight to behold. If you experience dandelion nirvana you feel like you have passed through the veil to the other world. A world of possibilities our imaginations can't even begin to behold. Where time takes on a totally different dimension. My question is have you been there?

You to can be a beautiful hummingbird

Wangari Maathai has the most listenable delectible voice and with a stunning smile, this short story touches my heart.

Just do it ...

There is an old tried and tested method of management called 'plan-do-check-act' also known as the Deming cycle after the grandaddy of quality control Edward Deming. Essentially it is a technique based on the scientific method of hypothesis, experiment, evaluate ... no surprises then that it is not necessarily the most helpful process to use when trying to live life more holistically. Small iterative thinking cycles of PDCA can leave you looking wistfully at the starting post, always in a state of preparation rather than participation.

After some consideration, reflection and discussion with a good friend about what to do with a life dilemma we came to the conclusion that the only real option was to JUST DO IT !!! Maybe Nike had a point with it's famous tag line after all.

So the way forward is to do stuff, have a go, be active, step onto the field of play as Mac would put it ... go for it.

Here I go!

Discombobulated

What a great sounding word ... discombobulated ... I've landed, of sorts, back in Yorkshire, in a place I call my home, which is fast becoming a building in which I store my things. A very extravagant storage facility. Hum ... my things, there's a thing !!! I've lived without the majority of my things for nearly 5 months now and to be honest not missed many of them. In fact the longer I'm away the more I forget what I have. It is a privilege to have a home for my things, it is a great relief to have a place to lay my head down at night, but I am fast learning my definition of home is becoming a looser and more fluid term of reference. My understanding of home is becoming more about where I happen to be than where my possessions may recide. Interestingly, home used to be about an external place and now it is more of an internal place. How life changes, without me even noticing.

Two 5 Minute Poems

I.
Thoughts and words
do not suffice.
They get between us
screen us from our
true feelings.
Your silent gaze
Your beautiful smile
say more
touch deeper and
reach further into
my heart
and will remain
with me longer
than any thoughts
or words.

II.
When the head meets
the heart and
they do battle,
what challenges and
tests ensue?
Thoughts take the
upper hand,
until tears erupt
and roll down your
cheeks,
as a reminder of
what;
pain, suffering
and futility, or
joy, happiness
and gratitude.
The head and the heart
walk hand in hand.

Moon-Day

Over the weekend we had a perigee full moon. Every twenty years the moon is at its closest to Earth and therefore appears that much larger in the night sky. On Saturday she was veiled behind clouds and yet shone through in her haziness. Last night the sky was clearer and the moon was this golden beacon of enigmatic beauty. An awesome sight to behold. Quite hypnotic if you dared to stared up at her for any length of time.

WITHOUT
the silence
of nature
within.

the power within.
the power

without.

the path is whatever passes-no
end in itself.

the end is,
grace-ease-

healing,
not saving.

singing
the proof

the proof of the power within.

- gary snyder -

Listening into my body,
what she has to say.

Knowing there is honey there,
my honey to nurture,
to hold.

Bees can fly by this hive,
but only those invited
can enter.

The honey is not for anyone.
It's time to take
care of me.

It's time to be nourished.
Listening within,
Holding my inner beauty,
with honour,
with care.

Times are a changing, shifts are a coming again and again ...

These times we live in only call us to walk more deeply into our interconnectedness. The changes happening invite us to expand our capacity for compassion and hold the suffering, with the guidance and comfort of the Love within us.

Take a moment to be in your heart with those more directly effected by the changes. Let them know in whatever way is appropriate to you that they are not alone. Light a candle, meditate, say a prayer, donate your time, money, resourses. Re-member that we are all one, and what affects one, affects all of us.

Namaste,
Inshallah,
Peace be upon you.

Ash Wednesday for Dreamers of Hidden Desires

As the new buds of spring emerged from the darkness below with all their glorious vibrant colour, so we to begin to show the early signs of what is to become. It seems that we need new beginnings, or everything eventually devolves and declines into unnecessary and sad endings. We were made for so much more! So today we must pray for the desire to desire! Even if we do not feel it yet, ask for new and even unknown desires. For we will eventually get what we really desire. I promise you. It is the all of everything doing the desiring at our deepest level. Therefore we will get nothing less than what we really desire, and almost surely much more. The everything we are part of desires through us and longs for Life and Love through us and in us. Allow it, speak it, and you will find your place in the universe of things. We cannot begin to desire something if we have not already slightly tasted it. Now take a deep breath and make that deep and hidden desire conscious, deliberate, and wholehearted. Make your desires good and far-reaching on this Ash Wednesday of new beginnings. And remember new beginnings invariably come from the ashes of old false things that are allowed to die. Let go of what you no longer need on your journey to make space for the new which is waiting for you round the next corner.

that still point within

Can you listen into your body
and hear your own silence?
Can you find the oscillation of love
between two beings
that brings them together
in harmony?
How is it we slip pass one
another unseen?
Glimpsing into each others eyes
and missing what is right before us.
It's more than being still.
It's more than being silent.

ch ch changes ...

We will not think ourselves into a new way of living, we will live ourselves into a new way of thinking. Let’s allow ourselves to seek new life settings for ourselves, much more than new ideas to discuss and shelve.

- paraphrasing something from Richard Rohr -

Spring has sprung ...

... the colours are well and truly showing themselves, and spring is on it's way if not upon us already, it feels like change is happening, another transition. Like the start of a new chapter, and yet the old chapter ended so abruptly. Today the hermit came visiting, shining his light into the dark corners, illuminating what is there but rarely if ever seen.

It is time to take stock, to slowly look around and reflect on where I am. It feels like something is moving deep inside, underneath, far below ... something yet to show itself and yet it will and I need to be ready. But if I shine the light to quickly, to brightly this thing will only go away again.

It is time to go gently, be kind, not be forceful.

It is time to sit by the river and listen to the music of the water flowing by. Time to walk with my back to the sun, to be warmed by the rays passing through the clouds bringing their reminder of the summer to come.

No sudden or quick movements nor any rash or hasty decisions ... changes are coming I can feel it!

To the unseeable animal

My daughter: "I hope there's an animal
somewhere that nobody has ever seen.
And I hope nobody ever sees it."

Being, whose flesh dissolves
at our glance, knower
of the secret sums and measures,
you are always here,
dwelling in the oldest sycamores,
visiting the faithful springs
when they are dark and the foxes
have crept to their edges.
I have come upon pools
in streams, places overgrown
with the woods' shadow,
where I knew you had rested,
watching the little fish
hang still in the flow;
as I approached they seemed
particles of your clear mind
disappearing among the rocks.
I have waked deep in the woods
in the early morning, sure
that while I slept
your gaze passed over me.
That we do not know you
is your perfection
and our hope. The darkness
keeps us near you.

— Wendell Berry -