Angggeerrrrrr !!!

I came across some words I wrote a few years ago, and it struck a chord as I have been going through a similar state of emotions of late. I am reminded of the cycles that my life and emotions go through. I am reminded that in the similarity of the events my emotions and struggles have a pattern to them. The story feels very similar ... and yet buried within there is a difference also.

Here's how it starts ..."This last week has been another roller-coaster ride. Once again I have been experiencing the ups and downs that life offers, yet each time it is somehow the same and somehow different. I have an opportunity as Satish might say to consider what is triggering my emotional reaction to events happening around me.

When my head feels like it is stuck in a vice that is being gradually tightened and my heart feels heavy with the doors closing shut and all around I sense my withdrawal I know that my emotional trigger is going off and my futile attempt at damage limitation is only serving to manifest my worst fears. Rather than protecting myself and others from my anger and frustration I am instead acting in a way that is not only harmful it disconnects me from those I love.

Instead of having the courage to reveal my vulnerability I withdraw or push people away, thus creating that which I fear - disconnection. Why can't I slow down and listen to what I am feeling in an open and inclusive way and try to seek greater harmony and connectedness? Why am I so afraid of looking foolish, of being judged, of being perceived as being selfish for wanting something different to that which is happening? As I write this it feels like I am being arrogant, like my ego is calling the shots. It's this ego-driven part of me that I dislike in myself and that I project onto others.

Aarrggggghhh !!! I can't deny there are times when conversations become intellectual gymnastics and I feel this monster rise up in me, it's if I am a tiger trapped in a corner by someone cracking a whip. I feel this anger welling up and in the most ridiculous self undermining way I want to come out on top fighting.

Living with uncertainty, stepping towards the unknown and looking into the centre of the abyss and not running or turning away, not judging or separating myself is so hard to do. Holding my hand up to others and admitting I am scared is nearly impossible. 

Scared to tell someone I love them for fear they use it against me, take advantage or ridicule me. 

Scared to tell someone I'm scare for fear they use it to destroy me. 

Scared to show my vulnerabilities because I don't want to face up to the parts of myself that can be harmful or negative to others. 

Scared to be rejected, ignored, unseen."

I have come along way since writing these words. Yes I still get triggered and overwhelmed by life and my emotions. Yes I do get scared, sometimes frustratingly so. Yes my pride can get the better of me. And yet the story is not entirely the same. I recognise the dark clouds more and more. I can accept they are as much a part of life as the rainy days, stormy nights or the sunshine. Life is a complex kaleidoscope not a two dimensional checker board. Not only that the dark clouds foretell a bright new dawn is approaching. That I have lessons to be learnt. It is quite exciting to know that life is an eternal unfolding. A state of constant coming into being, wanting to know itself more and more, with surprises to be received, and jewels to be discovered. Now when the quiver of uncertainty sails close by I still feel the passion and fight in me rise. If I'm truly honest even moments of resistance rear up inside. And yet from within I can also sense my engagement and tussle with the challenge. I  can also feel the exhilaration of transformation and change loom up far over the horizon.

What is to come this time? I do not know. Something will shift in me, around me, through me soon enough. Patience is the watchword in these times. No amount of haste, willingness or enticement on my part will bring the breakthrough any soon than it is due.

All I can say is watch this space. And in the meantime, please forgive my probably intolerable presence.