This poster marks the entrance to a special exhibition currently running at the British Library. Not all those who wander are lost, is a quote by JRR Tolkien from Lord of the Rings. You can take your own meaning from this. It is noticeable that so often being lost is a derogatory term. Especially for
someone like me who enjoys pouring over a good map to discover where I am. Who prides
themselves on having a good spatial awareness to find my way around. Despite
these qualities I have to admit for a while now I have been lost. Not so much
geographically. More lost in myself. In knowing who I am and what it is I am
here to do. Only recently have I truly come to feel into what that means and
boy have I been fighting it. Fighting with my feelings of being lost.
In response I'm on the lookout for structure to provide some semblance of knowing to cling onto as I try to find my way out of the malaise. Seeking in some way to stop the realisation that I have utterly no idea where I am, who I am or what to do!!! It's a peculiar place to be. Now I understand the saying, 'I'm running to stand still', because the more I try to not be lost, well the more I am lost and stay lost.
So, what am I to do?
Maybe I should try and get familiar with the lost feeling. Check out the terrain in lostville, possibly slowdown the search out of town and try to stop fighting the lostness, at least for a while and see what happens. Easier said than done when all my core instincts are seeking to not accept being lost. I sense my struggle is less about not wanting to be lost and more about not wanting to accept being lost. It feels way to unsettling, uncomfortable, disconcerting and downright unnerving to contemplate accepting the state of lostness.
Even as I write this I sense my playfulness is another avoidance tactic to prevent my feelings of truly being lost from creeping to the surface. Why? Because it is overwhelming. In the darkest times it feels like a tunnel with no light and my sense of self is dissolving into nothingness. Listlessly the weight of inertia drags me down further into nothingness and procrastination drains whatever energy may have been there. The indecision is cripplingly frustrating creating a fog like existence.
Don't get me wrong here, my life certainly has its high points and its good times. I have much to be grateful for, nevertheless, the inescapable lack of direction, motivation and purpose is palpable. The not knowing is a huge cloud floating above my head casting its shadow. And yet today I read in Bill Plotkin's book Soulcraft that being lost is a good thing. Out of the darkness gems are to be found that teach us a new way of being. I am being lead to beleive in my confusion the shape of a new identity is being forged.
I look forward to some signs of new beginnings to emerge from this cocoon I'm in. A shape not yet known or seen by myself. I want to believe that is what is happening. More than that I want to feel this is what is happening. I can only be patient some more and wait ... and dare I say it, Trust that all is as it's meant to be and all will be well. If I am prepared to say this to others I now must say it to myself. Patience and Trust. All will be well. All is as it's meant to be.
In response I'm on the lookout for structure to provide some semblance of knowing to cling onto as I try to find my way out of the malaise. Seeking in some way to stop the realisation that I have utterly no idea where I am, who I am or what to do!!! It's a peculiar place to be. Now I understand the saying, 'I'm running to stand still', because the more I try to not be lost, well the more I am lost and stay lost.
So, what am I to do?
Maybe I should try and get familiar with the lost feeling. Check out the terrain in lostville, possibly slowdown the search out of town and try to stop fighting the lostness, at least for a while and see what happens. Easier said than done when all my core instincts are seeking to not accept being lost. I sense my struggle is less about not wanting to be lost and more about not wanting to accept being lost. It feels way to unsettling, uncomfortable, disconcerting and downright unnerving to contemplate accepting the state of lostness.
Even as I write this I sense my playfulness is another avoidance tactic to prevent my feelings of truly being lost from creeping to the surface. Why? Because it is overwhelming. In the darkest times it feels like a tunnel with no light and my sense of self is dissolving into nothingness. Listlessly the weight of inertia drags me down further into nothingness and procrastination drains whatever energy may have been there. The indecision is cripplingly frustrating creating a fog like existence.
Don't get me wrong here, my life certainly has its high points and its good times. I have much to be grateful for, nevertheless, the inescapable lack of direction, motivation and purpose is palpable. The not knowing is a huge cloud floating above my head casting its shadow. And yet today I read in Bill Plotkin's book Soulcraft that being lost is a good thing. Out of the darkness gems are to be found that teach us a new way of being. I am being lead to beleive in my confusion the shape of a new identity is being forged.
I look forward to some signs of new beginnings to emerge from this cocoon I'm in. A shape not yet known or seen by myself. I want to believe that is what is happening. More than that I want to feel this is what is happening. I can only be patient some more and wait ... and dare I say it, Trust that all is as it's meant to be and all will be well. If I am prepared to say this to others I now must say it to myself. Patience and Trust. All will be well. All is as it's meant to be.
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