The underworld

... I'm wandering down in the underworld, liminal space, lost in the transition between life-death-rebirth or severance-threshold-return ... shedding the skin of my first life, searching for the seeds of my second life - whatever, it's a whole bunch of words for the biggest total headfuck I can possibly imagine and then some more ... no self pity allowed ... simple facts ... nothing is as nothing was ... I am still a very tiny young girl inside the darkness of a cupboard trying to keep myself safe as best I can ... I am the tightrope walked taking my first wobbly steps looking down into the void with no safety net below to protect me ... I am both of these and yet none ... is it growth I am after or depth ... should I be taking myself deeper and deeper into the darkness ... away from the head stuff ... I need to find the heart food ... move into experience ... today I felt the bodily ouch from the ego of another ... 'who are you?' came the voice from behind the finger ... 'you are in my theatre, I am the show', he says ... hum, 'I feel uncomfortable' I say, trying to offer my vulnerability ... the quick retort, 'I'm not asking you to speak for 45 minutes' ... don't I/we know it I think remembering this is his show, his performance, his ego ... I smile and withdraw, 'I'm here enjoying meeting people', I reply ... all I can hear is his booming voice, I, I, I, I, I ... it's the I show and I don't want this ticket, this seat, it's time to go ... I wish I could be more like Rafa and laugh this off, but I can't ... I feel the surge in my body that says go go go ... I'm angry ... I don't want to be near his ego, his Iness, his-story, his confidence, his false modesty ... and yet I know there is a human being there, with feelings the same as mine, with a soft-centre the same as mine ... but I don't know how to bridge the chasm between us ... his power over is to strong for me ... ggggrrrrrrrrrr ... off for a walk in the rain to the post office, I caught this one just in time and yet over lunch I'm curious as to how others respond ... I can feel my judgement rise up through my throat an burst out in spite ... I am no better ... I know I need to refocus, bring my attention back to where I want to be ... aaahhhhhh breathe and into the library, quietness, stillness, silence ... and yet my body/head is whizzing, bursting, rushing with energy and emotion ... I know I need to get back in touch with my whole self, my body, my thoughts, my feelings, my core ... off for a walk to the gardens in the rain with a new friend ... we talk and I can feel my emotions rise again as I try to speak of my truth, of my experience, of my fears, of my lack of safety around others ... the words don't take me to a place of responsibility, they don't take us to a place of engagement, it's all too abstract and yet it is getting better, better than before ... people and places and things I don't know scare me, particularly people they really scare me ... I don't know who I can trust and when I can trust them ... the biggest question of them all - CAN I TRUST MYSELF - Can I trust myself, well if I can't who can ... I've got to start with myself, which means being honest with myself, being true to myself ... what is my truth? Who am I?