Gone in the blink of an eye

Driving back to Devon this evening on a warm summers night. The light had finally receded, the darkness broken by my car headlights on the motorway. As I'm approaching Exeter and starting to imagine being back at the college I suddenly make out the pale outline of a deer up ahead. In a split moment I swerved out of the middle lane and miss the deer, only to look behind to see the deer being hit full on by the car following me. Neither the deer or the driver had a chance at those speeds in that darkness. The deer flew into the air and landed on the road rigid as anything. It's like an awful nightmare. There's part of me that can't quite take it in and then the pictures flash in front of my eyes again - it's unbearable - gone in the blink of an eye. Alive one second, dead the next. Wiped out, for what, trying to get from one field to another. AArrggghhh, I feel sick!!!!! That is no way to die. I hate driving and cars. I hate it. Its so destructive. And the driver will have had the most dreadful experience to - that was a full size healthy deer. Its unbearable. It seems so random and unjust. Fuck. Fuck Fuck ... I don't know what to do except the one thing I can't do which is to undo what happened by winding back the clock to somehow stop the deer from getting on the motorway.

Tomorrow friends and family are gathering to mark the one year anniversary of Kate's death - she was randomly, accidentally, pointlessly, unfairly killed while cycling into University this time last year. She would have been 28 on the 8th July. Fuck, I keep seeing this deer flying in the air and it's bringing back the memory of what happened to Kate - it's crap, rubbish, fucked up - another life gone for no good reason. Gone in the blink of an eye and in that moment everything stops making sense to me. I don't want to be part of this anymore. This fucking random pointless suffering doesn't seem to ever stop! I can't work out what to do or what not to do. Nothing seems to make any difference. I want to bang my head against a wall. Anything to stop these thoughts, to stop the feelings overwhelming me. And its not even about me - I'm beside myself here ... fuck fuck fuck.

I pray with all my heart Kate didn't suffer ... the deer didn't suffer ... and the people in the car are ok.