Transformation

There has been much heavy slow overwhelming energy around today. Despite the rain that fell last night a residue of tension lingers in the air. It can sometimes feel like you are coming up against a wall. Bang!

I went out to the labyrinth as an alternative to meditation. I felt the need to be in the fresh air and to move, be active rather than still. The magical labyrinth never fails to reveal something to me. This time as I began to tread slowly around the path a small brown frog hopped out in front of me. Not knowing much about the frog animal totem I'm reminded to look it up on my return.

Before I could do this the dinner gong sounded. I ate my dinner alone on one of the picnic tables beside the classroom. It's quiet there and I'm facing some beautiful trees. It's my day off and somehow I've barely done anything I had intended. Feeling restless I decided to take myself off to the moor for a walk round Venford Reservoir. I collected Becky on route and off we zoomed along the winding narrow lanes higher and higher until we passed acrossed a cattle grid and appeared up on top of the wide open moorland. It was not long until we were wandering down by the shore line of Venford. The recent dry weather has resulted in shrinking water levels. Becky splash about to her hearts content running in and out of the water, as we neared the feeder stream the ground seemed as if it was moving underneath our feet. On closer inspection I could see tens of tiny black frogs hopping from land to water. The frog appearing twice in one day. Now I knew I had to check out what this represents.

Back home I settle down to read about the frog animal totem and this is what I discovered;

The frog is the totem of metamorphosis. It symbolizes coming into your personal power. It reminds us not to become bogged down with day-to-day living.

It is the totem of water. Its voice calls forth the rains. Emotions are associated with water and a frog totem may be telling you to get in touch with your feelings.

People with frog medicine give support and energy where it is needed. They can cleanse the negativity from an environment.

It is time for transformation and for some frog energy.

Let this then be

Let this then
Three simple words
Let this then
And yet I know
I will be undone
Let this then
Continues to its end
And I have slipped
Descending into
The lived experience
Feeling not thinking
Into a place
That opens me to faith
And once again David Whyte
In his inimitable style
Has moved the seemingly
Immoveable object in me
My heart is wide open
For all to see
Unhidden, unmasked and free,
Let this then
Be my new faith
In poetry.

Inspired by David Whyte's poem Faith

I want to write about faith,
about the way the moon rises
over cold snow, night after night,

faithful even as it fades from fullness,
slowly becoming that last curving and impossible
sliver of light before the final darkness.

But I have no faith myself
I refuse it even the smallest entry.

Let this then, my small poem,
like a new moon, slender and barely open,
be the first prayer that opens me to faith.

The middle of my onion

If I were an onion what is in the middle?
Would I dare to share it with you?
Do I even know what is there?

I could sit in therapy
Hour after hour
Peeling back layer after layer of my onion.

To what end?

I could find a life coach
Who would ask me questions
On where the middle of my onion wants to be.

Would I ever get there?

Is it not enough to know
As an onion I have layers and a middle
That is me, an onion for all to see.

Circles are everywhere

Earlier this week I travelled to Wiltshire with two special friends, we camped overnight in a field opposite from Stonehenge, rising at 5.30am to join a small group of people to sing and dance the stones into a new day.


Whilst inside the stones I could sense and feel many types of circles, as well as the obvious standing stone circle I was within, there is our Mother Earth circle. We sang, chanted, moved and danced among the stones connecting with Gaia, our Mother Earth, to listen to her and to show our love and gratitude. There was a smaller crystal circle in the middle of us as we in the group held hands forming another circle. With my eyes closed and my heart open I could see the circle of the milky way in my minds eye. Circles are everywhere.



I spoke about how for me the symbol of the circle represents home and I'm reminded of when playing in the first snowfall of the winter just gone I instinctively drew circles in the crisp white snow up on Ilkley moor.



With no beginning or ending
a circle is a complete connection
it is equality in experience
all is one and all is home.

What happens to one
happens to us all.
This is wholeness!

I've gone from dreaming to steaming in 2 days ...

... what's that about?

In the last couple of days I've experienced two major mechanical breakdowns, first my car and second my hot water tank. It's a times like these I'm reminded how much I take all life's mechanical, ecological, social systems for granted. They are quietly doing their thing and only get the proper acknowledgement for what they provide when they stop. As so often life happens in three's I'm left asking, what's the next thing to break I wonder? All the kaputness is a much needed reality check ... I should be more grateful for the multiplicitous functionings that are operating every single milli-second of the day. To all the wondrous magical goodness out there THANK YOU. You are appreciated, honestly.

am I dreaming?

did yesterday happen as I remember it?
my life is taking on a dream like quality,
what is real and what is fantasy?
it does not feel like my heart is where I am,
I want to be home again.

It turned the beautiful month of May yesterday, Beltane and the start of spring. The bluebells are rising majestically spreading their wonderful shade of blue like a magical blanket underneath the outstretched arms of the trees. Wild garlic can be smelt from the path and the light stretches out further and further in the day. Good times! Life enhancing moments! Big deep breathes!

I turn the page on my calender to find the above image by Tom Purvis. This is a poster made in 1929 for the LNER railways. The symbolism feels strong. Could this be an opportunity to dive into the future? What does the month of may hold? And the colour red, what might it represent? Inspiration, passion ...

The rollercoaster is ever present and the transitions/learning edges continue a pace ... somewhere in the descent of initiation a releasing from the past has occurred, no going back now I'm deep in the wild, on wild mountain maybe, or in the wild woods? Old patterns are becoming easier to see and yet I can still fall into them too easily for my liking, however to be fair at least now I get angry with myself and then try and do something about it to make changes, to find new patterns, to find me.

The change towards greater authenticity is no straight forward path. The challenges are just as great, simply different and lessons need to be learnt a new.

This form of growing can be as uncomfortable as those awkward teenage years. The desire to withdraw is strong. And yet I know I ought to advance, advance, advance ... maybe that is where the armour of the red knight comes into my story?

When paths cross ...

... in this journey we lovingly call life we occasionally cross paths with other travellers. At these moments an opportunity may open up to get to know the other. To find out where they are at on their journey, how they may be feeling, what adventures they have had or maybe having and what they are about? Not everyone will want to share their story or even give you the time of day and yet when someone does a connection can be made and a relationship may begin to develop. In that space there is an opening, the possibility for co-creation, learning and adventuring and just possibly for love to expand. It's in those moment's that life can be at it's most precious, magical and sweet. Fellow travellers take a multiplicity of forms, not all human, in fact mostly other than human. Last week on our walks Becky and I came across a confident fox strolling along the same path as us. We also meet up with Beau Fizz, the dear boy all antlers and beautiful eyes. In their own way each had much to share, I am grateful they stayed a while and shared their journey with ours ...

Press Play

If it feels like play
It is play
Do it

If it feels like work
It is work
Stop!

Undone by a jam tart ...

Day Three of the no sugar challenge and I was undone by a jam tart! Only the one, now back on the no sugar wagon. No kidding this is way harder than I thought it would be. Thankfully no more dark and scary dreams.

The No Sugar Challenge and Dream One

I decided yesterday to try and not eat sugar for one week. That means no sweets, chocolate, cakes, biscuits or ice-cream. I will eat fruit, yogurts and cereals although I know there is some sugar in them, I do need to be able to eat something of a reasonable diet. I heard it said recently that eating sugar is for some a way of eating their emotions. I'm going to see what sugar represents for me and if my emotions are changed or effected by cutting it out of my diet as much as possible.

On the first night I had a very vivid and effecting dream. In the dream I was mostly observing events as if I was watching them from above or afar, not involved or at least at first I was not involved. There was a young girl and she was cornered by a group of people, and these people seemed bigger than her, more powerful, they were menacing. Their intentions were not loving or caring. They trained a huge powerful water jet on her, freezing cold water was pushing the little girl back into a corner, she had her hands over her face and her arms together in front of her body to protect herself from the powerful icy cold jet of water. And the group of people were watching intently seemingly watching how the little girl was trapped, scared, isolated, alone and hurting. Were they punishing her? What could she have done to deserve this treatment? Why was she being treated in this way?

Eventually I could see wounds opening on her body and blood trickling down her legs in rivulets of red against her white skin. I couldn't understand why she didn't move. I couldn't understand why the group of people were trapping her against the wall in this way. None of it made any sense. And I could not see how this was going to stop. I wanted to stand with my back against the jet of water looking at the girl. I wanted her to see that there was someone there for her. I wanted the pain she was experiencing to stop. The whole scenario being played out was deeply disturbing. Why do people behave in this way? Why do we go too far and hurt people? And what was really effecting is to know that I could be anyone of these people. Any judgement is also a judgement against me. There I am observing, questioning, judging and the over-riding impulse is to do something, take action.

Doing something possibly eased my discomfort. I don't know. Maybe it's not always about working out what is going on, instead it's about working out what to do or how to respond. What I do know is I have been thinking about this all day. And the image of the scene has stuck in my head. And not in a good way. It leaves a threatening residue, a menacing feeling in its trace. Definitely not a warm fuzzy glow!

I just had a moment ... !

Maslow called it self-actualisation ... I'm not sure that is what just happened and yet it is this sensation whereby a multiplicity of feelings, thoughts, events go capow and this tiny window of clarity, meaning takes place ... I'm not sure what to call it ... a moment ... when the transition clicks and I go oh yeah that's it ... I'm where I want to be and quick as a flash it's gone again. That's just happened to me. I was thinking about Joanna Macy's 'Work that Reconnects', what some call 'The Great Turning' and the shift from an industrial growth society to a life sustaining community and for me so much of what is going on focuses on seemingly what is going on out there and not what is going on in here. For me it's the in here that is fascinating. This is where the seed is planted, germinates and starts to grow. In a way I also accept there is no out there and in here. It's an artificial dualism, nevertheless, when personal responsibility is in play I bring my full self into the scenario and I am imagining who knows all about transition in every sense and then I was like well people who transition their gender, that's a no hiding situation. It's deeply personal and yet it involves everything you come into contact with and seemingly changes the fundamentals of your life. If someone can transition from male to female or female to male how does that compare with someone transitioning from an individuated ego-identified sense of self to a collective transpersonal sense of self? Does your sense of knowing, being and doing alter or become more authentic during this process of transition? I'm curious? And do I have the language to describe what it is people transition into being, knowing and doing in the shift to a life-sustaining community? It's all questions on this path!!! I don't even know if I am asking helpful questions anymore! It's easy for me to get lost once the tiny moments of clarity pass.

Some additional thoughts from Anne Ortelee. In the transition go for the place or choose the choice that offers you a tribe you can call your own. Where will you be happy doing what you love to do? Can you name that place and start to move toward the possibility of getting there? Life is full of potential each of us needs to give ourselves the support in taking the risk to change our beliefs. Name and support the process of acheiving our dreams. Seek out and stand in the vision of what you are trying to create. Let the sun shine on your back, head and face. Whisper a quiet resolve to the Sun ~ Come up with the positive, the POSITIVE version or vision of where you are going. State it as a declarative statement. Give it a statute of limitations and stand back. See what you can do to support yourself and your dream. If YOU don’t support your dream, why do you think other people will help you?

Be like a boat on a river - find the flow and go with it.

You know the saying, 'things sometimes have to get worse before they can get better', well that kind of sums up my day. I woke up this morning after a disturbed nights sleep. The evening before had not gone well. I felt out of things and out of sorts, the pre-leaving detachment process is not easy for me and always catches me unawares. I wake up slowly, take my time and head out for breakfast. The intended interviews first thing did not go to plan. It was during this conversation that energies began to shift and move. Noticing the uncomfortableness and being open to responding to the ouch. Keeping the heart open. Listening to others. Really engaged, I'm there for you listening. Making connections and trying as best as possible to hear the other whilst watching and reading the energy, the unspoken, the eyes, the body, the movement, the tone of voice the whole person. And in turn watching the senses of my own body. Knowing it is soon time to depart and yet knowing on some other level that this is not the way to be leaving. Only to discover that someone special has left without my saying goodbye and a planned capturing of the moment has not happened and all of a sudden I'm gone into the emotion of the lose and the tears are at the surface. My emotions have caught up with events. Now I can no longer keep quiet. I don't like how things are unfolding and I need to acknowledge my unhappiness to myself and others. More than this I need to say what I am uncomfortable with, what is it that I feel challenged by? It's the ouch moment returning again. The feeling of disconnect! What will reconnect me to the people I love? Being emotionally honest. Paddling my boat. And by naming these desires the Universe in its blessed wisdom supports and nurtures me and others. The special one returns unexpectedly, the capturing of the moment takes place, the hugs and reconnections are made and my boat is paddled up and down stream mixed in with laughter and wonder. Now I can leave ...